Earthblog

The internet is a dangerous place. It’s kind of like the collective subconscious of our entire species, trapped forever in the serpentine folds of our mightiest intellectual and technological conquest. If we, human beings, were a Greek Hero, the internet would be our tragic flaw.

Allegedly, the world is ending shortly after Thanksgiving. I found out about the end through friends, who had heard from friends, who found it on the internet. I was at the Bean Cycle/Matter Bookstore pursuing used books of poetry when my suspicions were confirmed by yet another friend, who found out from other friends, who were on the internet, and found out about these videos:

(or look for yourself. Google/youtube video search: obama, disclosure, ufo, 11/27/2009)

Basically, what I’ve inferred from these videos is as follows:
+Our President, after being threatened by American ex-space-walkers, will inform us the day after Thanksgiving about the existence of extraterrestrial life. He will do so on almost every major television network, and the internet.
+There are six species of ETs, and a few of them may not be too friendly.
+Our human understanding of the universe is insufficient to the other residents of the galaxy and beyond, and they want to settle something, namely our misunderstanding.

Okay, so, I grew up watching alien movies. The theme song from Close Encounters of the Third Kind makes me think of my childhood living room and the smell of my woobie. I’ve been raised my whole life anticipating intergalactic guests, trained by media to expect an alien apocalypse before I could even understand the complexities of democracy or doing laundry properly. What I am trying to say is, I am as close to an expert as you may get before the apparent end happens.

So, here are my three theories:
1. The Earth is essential to the “biosphere” of the universe, and these other ETs are pissed cause we messed it up. Some of them think we are also essential to the universe, while others are ready to eliminate the threat to their existence, along with the entire ecosystem of the universe. So, we, Earthlings, are about to serve host to an extreme intergalactic turf war, which will be extreme and full of various laser and/or tractor beams.

2. Obama found some wacky information in government files and decided, after being threatened by his childhood heroes—astronauts—he’d better disclose it before Buzz Aldren takes matters into his own space-capable and readily violent hands. Everyone knows Obama really wanted to be an astronaut as a child, and then settled. Everyone. Especially Hillary. My guess is that she and these astronauts are in cahoots.

3. This is all just viral advertising for Cloverfield 2, which I am totally going to see.

And here are my tips to you and your family’s survival during the impending intergalactic dispute:

+watch Obama’s address, then destroy your television, computer, cell phone and tom-tom navigation systems. Our satellites are their satellites now. Think outside your atmosphere, human.

+avoid the black Friday nightmare fare at your conventional shopping centers, instead stock up on body armor, anti-aircraft weaponry, freeze-dried neopolitan ice cream and boots. Good boots. Oh, and maybe an axe. Just thinking ahead.

+bring lawn-furniture/beach chairs onto your roof. Remember to find a level surface when looking for seating. It would be too ironic for you to die while securing your front-row seats for the last big show on Earth.

+expect the unexpected. Bring seemingly surperfluous items in your survival kit; these are usually the items extraterrestrial foes are most susceptible to (see: water in Signs, the flu in War of the Worlds, keyboards/Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Will Smith/victory cigars/Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day). Actually, it seems like the most likely way to make it through an alien attack is to team up with any semi-profitable male moviestar. Anyone, seriously, even Randy Quaid:

+remember that anyone can post anything on youtube. And that people have been fearing the apocalypse since…well, forever. Sure, things may be about to go wrong, but should we be wasting our time reading articles/watching videos about it, ultimately ruining the best surprise that is left for mankind? No. The answer is no.